I met the friendliest cop last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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