people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
