happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
