if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
