The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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