your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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