I think I died a long time ago.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
