so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
