I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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