Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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