I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
