So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
