Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I lost the right to judge tonight
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
