I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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