We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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