I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
