i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
