Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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