I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
