so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
