I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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