Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
