ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sober January is a disaster.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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