You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so let's talk penis.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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