There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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