I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
