I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
