In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
