i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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