Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Alive.
So much puke
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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