I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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