I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
