Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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