look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
