Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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