Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
