I wish i was in the wii world.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
