just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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