You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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