just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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