and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
