Michael Bay diarrhea
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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