I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
