you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
