Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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