Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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