can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
