This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
