Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
