So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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